


Loneliness is a Crowded Room

by dadsBBQparty



Category: Heavy Rain
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, Future Fic, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 02:57:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15548079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dadsBBQparty/pseuds/dadsBBQparty
Summary: Ethan takes Norman’s other hand. He pulls him closer, stepping onto the dancefloor. Norman feels one of his hands slipping to his back, and Ethan’s chest is pressed beneath his. He rests his head next to Ethan’s and closes his eyes. This feels so natural. He feels more comfortable with Ethan in his arms than he has ever felt with someone.He wants to say it.He can feel the words at the tip of his tongue.I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.





	Loneliness is a Crowded Room

A voicemail’s left on Norman’s phone during work. He never has time to check it- well, he might, but he isn't the kind of person to slack off during his job. 

He’a wrapping up, ready to leave the department when he decides to listen to the voicemail. 

“Norman Jayden?”

_Ethan Mars._

He pauses the voicemail as he walks outside, closing his eyes as he catches fresh air. It’s snowing, and the chilliness stings the back of his throat. 

It's been ten years since the Origami Killer case. Seven years since he saw Ethan last. 

“Fuck,” he whispers to himself as he looks around nervously. He wants to know why he was calling, but he isn't sure he can handle hearing his voice much longer. Just go back to the apartment and listen to it in the privacy of his own home. 

He makes it to his car when he sets his head on the steering wheel. The horn briefly goes off, but all it does is wake him up. Ethan fuckin’ Mars, he sighs. 

After being in and out of rehab for two years, he retired from the FBI. He'd planned on going into teaching, working on his master's maybe, but instead, seven years later, he's working in Detroit. As just a fucking cop. 

He really doesn't like knowing that Ethan is trying to find a way back into his life. He spent all his time trying to rebuild himself after everything that happened. It's putting a weird taste in his mouth. 

He finds himself back at his apartment. He hangs his coat up, locking the door before he walks to the kitchen. His cat jumps on the counter, meowing to get his attention. He pulls out her food and fills her bowl before he sits down at his chair. 

His hand trembles as he plays the voicemail. 

“Norman Jayden? Hi, it's Ethan Mars. I haven't heard from you in a few years- I remember you moved to Detroit. Grace told me. Um, and I'm … there for the week with my architecture firm. Call me back please. I wanna see you.” 

The voicemail ends, and Norman closes his eyes as he feels his cat pawing at his leg. He sighs and picks her up, laying down on the couch as she lays on his chest. 

He decides he'll handle this in the morning. He needs to sleep on things before he makes a decision- ignore him or call him back. The answer is obvious. 

He has a lot of memories with Ethan Mars. So many of them are great. 

_Ethan grabs his hand. As Norman looks up at him, his heart melts at those blue, gentle eyes. He wants nothing more than to hold him._

_“... Would it be bad if we had a toast to celebrate your month away from-”_

_“I didn't go through AA. I think it's fine,” Norman laughs as Ethan lets go of his hand._

_He heads into the other room; he’s grabbing wine from the top shelf of the kitchen. Norman’s nervous. It's been a year and a half since he met Ethan Mars, and his heart never stops pounding. He's never be so in love with someone._

_He's almost positive Ethan feels the same. He's waiting. He's waiting for the older man to tell him how he feels. The lingering touches, the way Ethan’s lips curl up when Norman fumbles on his words in such an adoring way. There's no way he can't like him back. Tonight must be the night._

_Ethan pours the wine._

_Norman waits._

_The second glass._

_Ethan never tells him._

His cat nudges his hand as he stands up. He presses a quick kiss against her head, promising quietly that he'll be back soon. He needs something to calm his nerves. 

The bar across the street is his normal go to. He's not an alcoholic, but maybe then he'd fit in with his co-workers. It's time to start. 

He picks up his jacket from the front door and leaves. He winds down the narrow hallway, down the stairs, stopping as he hits the winter winds once he's finally outside. 

_It's winter when Madison Paige finally marries. Ethan asks Norman to be his plus one. Overjoyed, he accepts the offer._

_He knows he should be worrying about his appearance for Madison’s sake. He shouldn't be a slob so he doesn't embarrass her. It's her big day! Although, he tries to look his best when Ethan Mars drives to the hotel to pick him up._

_“That's a nice suit,” he says quietly. He's focusing on the road, but Norman’s proud he caught a sliver of his attention. It’s what he wanted to hear from him._

_“You look nice, Ethan.”_

_He does. He looks stunning. He’s been growing out his beard. Now it's trimmed and even, and Ethan honestly never looked more handsome. His blue eyes stand out breathtakingly, contrasting against his dark hair._

_And that navy suit._

_Norman wishes he could reach out and feel it._

_He feels guilty. They're in a church, and he shouldn't be staring at Ethan. He should be watching the bride. He wishes he could distract himself from Ethan for a single moment._

_He loves the way Ethan’s eyes tear up slightly. He shouldn't be this gorgeous. It isn't fair._

_They watch the bride take her first dance. Ethan's crying. Norman wants to brush away his tears._

_He does. He takes his handkerchief, wiping his eyes. He smiles as Ethan grabs his hand, smiling up at him._

_“I'm okay,” he says softly._

_“Okay,” Norman whispers._

_They turn their heads. People are now filling the dancefloor._

_Ethan takes Norman’s other hand. He pulls him closer, stepping onto the dancefloor. Norman feels one of his hands slipping to his back, and Ethan’s chest is pressed beneath his. He rests his head next to Ethan’s and closes his eyes. This feels so natural. He feels more comfortable with Ethan in his arms than he has ever felt with someone._

_He wants to say it._

_He can feel the words at the tip of his tongue._

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

_“Ethan, I-”_

_Ethan pulls away, looking down. Shaun’s at his side, asking him to dance with him without words. Norman steps back, smiling as Ethan apologizes to him._

_“It's okay.”_

_“... I'll be over to talk to you in a few minutes. Is that alright, Norman?”_

_He nods as he walks away from the dancefloor. The moment never comes. Ethan never talks to him._

How selfish is it to be in love with someone who so openly refers to you as his best friend? 

Norman can't help but feel guilty about his love. Ethan didn't need him as a lover. He needs him as a friend. 

And how did he respond? He left. He fucking left him and never returned his calls for seven years. 

He walks into the bar. His glasses fog up, and he sighs as he takes them off briefly as he tries to find a place to sit. He's almost at the bar when something catches his attention. The bar is louder than Hell, but there's no way he could miss this. 

“Norman?” 

He slides his glasses on as he turns towards the source of the sound. 

Of fucking course. 

His lips form a tortured smile. 

“Ethan,” he says as the shorter man approaches him. Great, he looks just as good as he did all that time ago. Why couldn't he had done him a favor and been hideous… 

“Fancy seeing you here,” Ethan says, gesturing to the table he was sitting at. 

“Yeah, it's a really fuckin’ funny coincidence,” Norman says, nodding with a forced smile on his face. 

“Sit with me,” Ethan suggests. 

“No, I-” 

“Sit with me,” Ethan says. His tone is more firm. It must be how he talks to Shaun; Norman feels powerless when he uses that tone. He slides into the booth. 

_His glass nearly drops out of his hand._

_Ethan’s face falls at the lack of response from Norman._

_The redhead next to Ethan._

_His girlfriend. He called her his girlfriend._

_“I-I’m sorry, I just didn't hear you right,” Norman whispers. He prays that was the issue. He must have meant something else._

_“M-Monica’s my girlfriend- we've been dating for three months. We just didn't want to say anything until-”_

_Okay._

_Okay._

_Norman stands up, startling both of them. Monica seems like a nice girl, but it didn't really matter to him at that moment._

_“Three months,” he says, setting down the drink. He takes a deep breath. A smile comes to his lips as he closes his eyes. He's furious. “Ethan- Three months?”_

_“Three months,” Ethan repeats. He's on edge. He's the only one who knows what Norman’s capable of when he's mad._

_He opens his eyes, narrowing them at Ethan. “Three months,” he says again. “Three months…” He drags his hands down his face, inhaling deeply. He resisted the urge to throw the drink in Ethan’s face. It'd serve him right. “Let me understand. The wedding- two weeks ago. You take me… You take me. Your friend who you know for certain is gay… to a fucking wedding, which could very well be a date…”_

_Monica reaches for Ethan’s hand. He doesn't push it away. “Norman-”_

_“No. Let me talk,” Norman says. He's trying his best to stay calm, but it isn't easy. “You know fully well what you were fucking doing, Ethan. You know what you've been doing the past three fucking years. Holding my hand?” His eyebrows rise. “You fucking call me ‘Normie’ when we're alone. You actually hold me- you fucking held me at that wedding, Ethan! Do you have any idea what you've been doing to me the past three fucking years?”_

_“Norman, you're my friend!” He stands up too. The retired agent grits his teeth. “I thought you fucking knew that- if you caught feelings, it's your own fault! I can't control-”_

_“No. You knew when you invited me to that wedding. There was no way you didn't know how I felt-”_

_“... I told him to take you,” Monica speaks quietly. Norman’s green eyes jerk down to her. She looks apologetic, but she's not the one who should be feeling that way._

_Norman looks back at Ethan._

_Was that really all it was? That moment was just a set up from his girlfriend? Did nothing ever matter?_

_“You knew,” Norman says as his voice cracks. He feels a tear starting to roll down his cheek. “You knew how I felt about you, and you still did that. I never thought I'd be calling you heartless, Ethan Mars.” All the feelings he ever had for Ethan were all he had left. He'd spent months taking care of Ethan before he took care of himself. Then, this is how it fell apart._

_“Norman, I'm sorry. I thought it would make you happy… You seemed so upset, I had to do something.”_

_“You know what? Delete my number. That's something you can do. I really don't want to talk to you again,” Norman mumbles as he walks to the front door._

“You never deleted my number, obviously,” Norman mutters as he tries to avoid eye contact with Ethan. 

“How could I…?” Ethan asks softly. 

“Do you need me to show you?” Norman replies, cocking a brow as he looks at the man in front of him. 

Ethan’s aged quite a bit. He's going grey, and there are more wrinkles on his face than Norman remembers. A lot of them seem as if they were caused by stress. The biggest difference, however, are the glasses that sit on his face. He's not surprised. He is pushing towards fifty. The worst part is he aged well. He still looks so good to Norman. 

He ignores Norman’s comment. 

“You weren't going to return to my voicemail.” 

“No. I wasn't. Were you sitting outside my apartment building this whole time? Did you just get cold and come in here?” 

Ethan seems taken aback. 

“I didn't know you lived there.”

Norman sighs. The waitress comes over, and he grinds his teeth as Ethan orders for him. 

“He'll have a vodka. Straight.” 

“Fuck you, Ethan,” Norman whispers as she leaves. 

“Oh, fuck off. You're acting just like Shaun when he's trying to rebel,” Ethan snaps. Norman shuts his mouth, tapping on the table impatiently. “I thought you'd have-” 

“Moved on? Maybe. But I really don't want to see you,” the younger man muttered. “Even if I did move on, seeing you doesn't really make me feel ‘good'.” 

Ethan puts his head in his hands. Norman knows what he's thinking. Their relationship used to be so natural. It was so easy to talk, laugh, cry. It was easy to just be together. 

“I've made a huge mistake,” he whispers. 

“Yeah, you did,” Norman hisses. “You shouldn't have told me you were here. You should have ignored me when you saw me come in.” 

He starts to stand up when Ethan grabs his wrist. He tries to pull his arm away, but the older man was never weak by any means. 

“I don't mean that, you idiot,” he sighs. Norman falls back into the seat, cocking a brow. “I meant Monica…” 

“I love to hear that name again,” Norman says. He can't stop fidgeting. He's bouncing his knee up and down and cracking his fingers. He can't keep his eyes in front of him. “Lemme guess, you-” 

“I married her, Norman,” Ethan answers. The response leaves the cop’s throat dry. 

“Then what are you doing here? Trying to shove it down my throat? Classy, Ethan,” Norman mutters angrily. 

“No!” Ethan says quickly, shaking his head. He's obviously frustrated, being unable to get through to him. “We're divorced. We've been divorced for three years.” 

“Goodie.” 

“Can you just shut up for a minute?” Ethan asks, furrowing his brow. “Please?” 

Norman mocks him. He pretends to zip his lips and throw away the key. He knows he should be treating this logically. Treat it like Ethan was a suspect in a crime, keep his calm. He can't. He wants to, but something about him makes him feel so irrational. 

Ethan must have a headache. He looks like it. Norman’s handed his drink, and he takes a sip before Ethan starts talking. 

“After you left, I realized everything wrong I did. You must think I did that to be mean to you- no, I _know_ that. But…” He hesitates. “Norman, everything that hurt you was never intentional. I was… helplessly in love with you. I'd never loved a man before, so I wasn't able to recognize it until you left. It sounds crazy, but it's the honest truth. I realized how much I missed feeling you beside him…”

Norman’s heart aches at the comment. He sets down the drink and looks at the table. If he wouldn't have left, would everything have worked out between them? 

No. Because it was still a cruel thing to do to him. 

“Are you apologizing to me?” Norman asks. 

“Yes,” Ethan says quietly. He's looking down at the table too. 

“You hurt me, Ethan. I don't care if it was intentional or not. The pain was real, and I don't know if I can forgive you…” Norman answers honestly. “You honestly have no idea…” 

“Norman,” Ethan whispers, his voice cracking. “Just let me back into your life.” 

Everything he's saying points to the fact it's the truth. He genuinely seems sorry. It doesn't change the past, though. 

“You should have said something years ago.” 

“I'm sorry…” 

Norman shakes his head slightly. He stands up from the table, taking a sip from his drink before setting it back down. 

“Ethan,” he says under his breath. “Our story is over. I don't think you should ever contact me again. I'm sorry.” 

The bar is filled with people. He's looking at the man he loves more than anything in the world, but Norman’s never felt more alone. 

The other man looks like he wants to argue. Norman can tell he wants to grab him and beg him to come back. He feels selfish, but he knows it would be bad for him to fall into this trap. 

He takes a deep breath. He wants to accept his apology and go back to the way things were, but he can't forgot how everything changed because of Ethan. He can't risk it. He's scared of staying. He's scared of leaving. Seven years ago, if Ethan would have came to him, things would probably have been different. He knows in his gut he needs to walk away from this. He needs to leave his time with Ethan in the past. So, he does.

**Author's Note:**

> Hsiwdjejwidndbr liza writes fluff and i give her angst lol 
> 
> Me: someones will die.  
> liza: of fun! 
> 
> Also i realize somethings are kinda ooc but its 2 am and if i dont post this now i wont ever post it so im sorry about that


End file.
